Gary Craig’s classic EFT setup statement frames any problem with the phrase:
“Even though I have x problem, I deeply and completely accept myself.”
The setup statement has two main purposes in EFT (Emotional Freedom Technique):
- to identify the problem and
- to accept oneself despite the presence of the problem.
What if it doesn't feel true for you?
For many people, the original setup statement does not feel true and can even feel triggering – inside they wail, “But I DON’T accept myself!!”
In this case two methods can be used – some people recommend just saying the words anyway, and trust that the tapping will help to regulate your feelings about it.
Or, you can use another phrase that sits better with your truth. I usually co-create a phrase with my clients that feels right for them in each session.
However, it can be very powerful to play with the original phrasing – the concepts of acceptance, self-love, and self-forgiveness are central to the healing journey for most people.
Radical Acceptance
Radical acceptance is a concept from DBT (Dialectical Behaviour Therapy)[1], a method used by some psychotherapists. DBT balances change-oriented goals with acceptance to help people regulate emotions, limit dysfunctional thinking, and improve motivation.
Radical acceptance means “accepting and making peace with things that can’t be changed.”[2] However, it’s not about giving up, or putting up with things – it goes much deeper than this. There is something about the act of accepting the existence of a situation, feeling, or thought, that opens up the possibility for change and moving forwards.
What we resist, suppress, ignore or avoid usually comes back to bite us sooner or later – in the form of physical illness, worsening mental health, or projections onto others, thereby attracting more of the very things we are resisting. Running away from the monster, we can’t see it. If we turn and face it, we accept its existence, and often there are things to learn or to observe about it which were not possible when just running away.
Forgiveness
As a parallel, when we truly forgive someone, it doesn’t mean that what they did has changed, but our emotional attachment to it has shifted. When we truly forgive someone, the fact of their awful behaviour still remains. Forgiveness doesn’t mean we condone their behaviour. It doesn’t make them right or justify what they did, or make us wrong for feeling bad about it. It simply opens up space in our hearts as we let go of feeling resentful, hard done by, vengeful or bitter, and brings peace and love to the situation.
In the same way, when we practise radical acceptance of something awful that has happened or is happening to us, it doesn’t mean that that situation is OK. Instead, it brings a sense of openness and an ability to move forward and opens our mind to possibilities that we couldn’t see before when we were stuck in the awfulness, denial, avoidance and turning away. When we look directly at an ogre, instead of seeing it from the corner of our eye and ignoring and avoiding it, it dissipates and becomes a simple shadow on the wall. We can see it for the shadow on the wall it is.
Loving-Kindness Practice
For me, the feeling-tone or energy of this emotional shift is similar to the feeling I get when practicing metta or loving-kindness (compassion)[1].
In this Buddhist practice, we work with phrases of goodwill such as “may you be peaceful, may you be happy.” There are various stages of this practice:
1. We can offer this loving-kindness to a loved one or pet – for most people, this is the easiest.
2. We can offer it to a stranger, for example, a passer-by on the street or someone on public transport, or an actor on the TV.
3. We can offer it to someone we know slightly – a neighbour, a public figure, or an acquaintance.
4. We can offer it to someone we actively dislike – again, often a public figure, or perhaps someone in our immediate family or work circle.
5. We also learn to offer this compassion to ourselves.
When we explore these emotions of loving-kindness and compassion in this way, it moves and transforms stuck energy in our heart centre, allowing for ease, acceptance and ultimately healing. There is a feeling of expansion and flow in the heart centre as our emotional load lightens.
Using EFT tapping to explore deeply held beliefs about ourselves can become even more profound when we consciously dance on the edge of these often uncomfortable and difficult concepts. Practising self-love, self-acceptance, self-forgiveness can be a life-long journey, with the promise of increasing joy and inner peace along the way.
